1. Spankings are meant to sting: don’t hold back

2. Use the word “rye” whenever ordering a Manhattan

3. Be present in every single goddamn fucking moment

4. Don’t leave my ties knotted on the bed posts

5. Don’t request dirty photos from my followers even if I want to

6. Cook naked, but avoid hot oil

7. Don’t write blog posts during intercourse

8. Thank everyone in the room after sex

9. Don’t sleep with the new intern.  No seriously.  Don’t. 

10. Only post self-nudes on Instagram when I’m drinking

11. Publish my novel

12. Write so much smut my wrist gets sore

13. Always wear really nice socks

14. The King Tut is attainable.  Don’t back down. Follow your heart.

15. Say I love you BEFORE sex

16. Only eat dates if they’re stuffed with blue cheese and wrapped in bacon

17. Remember “what’s up bro?” means “let’s get it on”

18. Throw that pajama themed brunch time sex party

19. Have sex in other parks too.

20. Find each one of my followers and send them flowers and kisses